17 Responses to “Kirk talks about his addiction to porn...”

1.  Anonymous  on 12/01/2005 11:19 PM  

   Hi, My name is Gary, and you guys probably don't know me. I have been hanging around on this blog reading for about a month now. I too, watched the Kirk Franklin story on Oprah. I am a former youth pastor who fell from ministry due to an addiction to porn. I have been porn free since Sept of 2004. I was just dropping this in to say, if you wanted someone who had dealt with the problem to be part of a discussion sometime with your teens, I would be more than happy to be involved. You can email me at spamthewunderdog@verizon.net

2.  Anonymous  on 12/02/2005 7:01 AM  

   Gary,
   
   First thanks for reading the YMF. When I started this blog, in may of 2004, I will admit my intentions were selfish. But as more and more youth ministers from a variety of ministry settings began to join the conversation, I wanted others to benefit from this ministry like I was. So, let me say, thank you for reading and for posting your thoughts here.
   
   As for your struggle, I appreciate your honesty and your freedom for a little over a year. Praise God!
   
   I watched the Oprah episode and was stunned when I saw Kirk Franklin up there talking so openly about his problem.
   
   I am sure as you well know, that admitting that there is a problem is a huge first step to defeating a nasy addiction, and secondly, being able to talk to your spouse or other trusted advisor and seeking help, accountability.
   
   Gary, how did you overcome? If you wouldn't mind sharing your story. If that's not to much to ask?

3.  Anonymous  on 12/02/2005 7:08 AM  

   did kirk "kick" this thing...or is he currently trying to do so? i won't have time to watch the show.

4.  Anonymous  on 12/02/2005 12:28 PM  

   While going through my "Spiritual Formation" small group at DTS, we started using Covenant Eyes on all our computers. In case you don't know, it's a small program that sits on your computer and records all internet activity. It then e-mails the log to your accountability partners each week. If the program is disabled in any way, your computer's internet access is also disabled. Been using it for years with lots of guys and can say that it is great! I highly recommend it for anyone and everyone. Check it out at www.covenanteyes.com

5.  Anonymous  on 12/02/2005 3:56 PM  

   Covenant Eyes is a great program. I have used it in the past. I don't know about now, but when I was using it there was a fee associated with it. Worth the cost though!
   
   What I have used since with a few different guys is the free accountability software found at http://www.xxxchurch.com/. It works very well too. This is a great tool to encourage guys in your youth ministry to employ. Very effective!

6.  Anonymous  on 12/05/2005 7:25 AM  

   Sunday went well. The teens and I had a pretty good discussion regarding everything that was shared by both Kirk and his wife. I highly recommend showing the Kirk portion of the show to you teens because it really addresses the following lies about porn:
   
   1. When you get married the desire will go away.
   2. You'll grow out of it.
   3. Everyone is guilty so no-one can be held accountable.
   4. Fantasy must get played out in reality. Kirk tried to bring porn into their marriage.
   5. Confession is hard, but powerful.
   6. Kirk's addiction was analog (magazines and video), but digital (internet) is much more availible and dangerous.
   7. Your view of how sex works in relationships can be formed as early as 9!
   8. God is bigger than addiction.
   
   Again if anyone would like a copy let me know.

7.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 12:57 AM  

   Sorry for taking so long to get back...got a bad cold and that just puts me under for a while.
   
   Ok, me and porn...sheesh where do I start...Well, my struggle with porn started, or I should say coincided with my journey of Faith. At 12 years old I started to read the Bible on my own (my dad was an athiest) and really started to investigate God, Jesus, Church and stuff. At the same time I wanted to know more about sex, so my dad (who owned a video store at the time) sat me down and made me watch a porno with him. After we were done watching it he said, and I can remember the words vividly "enjoy watching this stuff, because you will never ever be a real man and will never make a woman scream with pleasure like that, because you are just like your dad and have a small penis". So I started this long journey with porn in secret, not because of lust, but because (along with this incident) I had been conditioned to believe that I was not a real man. Essentially over the course of my teen years and adult life, I lived this life of darkness when I was by myself. Being alone with my own thoughts has always been a struggle for me. I had constant thoughts and voices inside me that said I was worthless etc...and in those times I would go seeking the things that would make me feel "manly". I would buy magazines, make phone sex calls, chat online, go to strip clubs, go to peep shows, go to adult bookstores etc... I struggled with it for 22 years (I am 34 now). All during that time though, God was working on me as I journeyed in my faith. I was baptised at 15, joined the Church at 16, went to Bible College at 19, and have been involved in youth ministry in one form or the other since I was about 18. All during this time I struggled on and off with porn, only abstaining for short periods of time (less than 6 months) by pure will power at best. I would frequently fall off the wagon for a day or so, and then go months without porn out of nothing but guilt. I never had any accountability, or otherwise meaningful relationships to pastor me through these times.
   
   In 2002 I got engaged to be married, and for the first time in my life I confessed this sin to someone...my future wife. Then I started to work at our Church as the Junior High pastor. This time was much like it was before, only with longer periods of abstinence (8 months being the lognest). In 2004 I was tasked to take over the entire youth ministry of our Church...and long story short...I crumbled. The Church was going in a drastic new direction, the budget was being cut, and I was expected to live under a higher set of professional expecations...I felt, once again, like a loser. Like I was not a real man, and had no authority to exert what I felt God was leading me to do...and...I...crumbled. For a period of about a month straight, I stayed late at the Church every night and used the computer at Church to view porn. Someone found out and confronted me, and eventually I was asked to resign...which was the best thing that could ever happen to me.
   
   I immediately felt this huge burden lifted from me. Now people knew my darkness, and they were ok with me. I went into counseling, and started accountability relationships with some of my former pastor co-workers. And I used the time to enter into a recovery group through settingcaptivesfree.com to work through my relationship with God.
   
   Essentially I am no longer in an abstinance only phase...I am on a path now where those destructive thought patterns have been shattered and more positive ones have been put in their place. Yes, lust still temps me, but because I have worked through my self-image issues, lust doesn't have anything to grasp hold of any longer. I drag those temptations in to the light and allow God to show them for what they really are.
   
   Also, I have practiced some radical amputation of things in my life that allowed me to choose sin.
   I never stay in a hotel room alone.
   I never go out of town alone.
   I do not have immediate access to our bank account.
   I have installed both a filter and an accountability software program on my computer that my recovery group has access to.
   I do not get on the computer without my wife's supervision (she is right behind me now).
   I do not watch TV in the house alone.
   
   These steps are not a success in and of themselves...But they did allow me the spiritual and mental space to allow God to exist in the spaces that I used to fill with other idols.
   
   Allowing that space to be God's was a big step for me, because before when I was innundated by all the thoughts and voices, it wasn't because I was crazy, but rather because I had not practiced the presence of God in my daily life. The desires for porn did not cease unitl I had properly grown my desire for God.
   
   Initially the tool I used in my private life to create this space for God inside the space I had created by radically amputating things from my life was an online study called "The Way Of Purity", through setttingcaptivesfree.com. After I Completed that study by myself, I joined (formed) a porn addicts group and led a study through the printed version of the study. After about 9 months of freedom I decided to be formally trained as a mentor for SCF and that is where I am at today, studying to be mentor.
   
   Now, I have taken the scarlet letter off my chest. God has granted me freedom and is seeking to restore me to ministry. All I have to do now is be attentive to God, and find the Church that he wants to restore that part of my life in.

8.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 6:05 AM  

   you're more of a man than most men i know.
   
   hat's off to you.
   
   -sam

9.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 7:40 AM  

   Gary,
   
   Thanks for sharing your story. It is good to know that God has turned your life around and you living in victory. Thanks for what you do to help others find hope and freedom. Many certainly in guilt and choose to live in secret.
   
   Keep offering hope and a the promise of a second, third and for many us 1000th chance.
   
   Thanks again!

10.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 6:53 PM  

    That was one of the most powerful posts I have read in a while. Thank you so much for sharing. I really respect your authenticity and your willingness to be held accountable.

11.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 7:51 PM  

    Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing. I believe God is going to use you ways that you can't yet even imagine!
    
    As I read your post I thought of Proverbs 28:13....
    
    "He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
    but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."
    
    Enjoy the mercy! You certainly have it here!

12.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 9:32 PM  

    And sometimes it is hard to address one of the easiest and yet strongest struggles Men AND Women have .. that of lust of the flesh. I'm far from perfect and had my moments. Kudos to Gary and how God is still working in your life.

13.  Anonymous  on 12/06/2005 10:09 PM  

    Amen to all of you, and thanks. If any of you ever encounter someone who deals with pornography and other purity issues, and need an ear or a voice, email me at spamthewunderdog@verizon.net. Also, (hint hint) if any of you youth leaders out there want to take a risk and invest on someone who has fallen, and seeks restoration to vocational ministry...drop me a line.

14.  Anonymous  on 12/07/2005 2:49 PM  

    I feel so sick for you, and at the same time, rejoice as you said it was the best thing that could happen when you got caught!

15.  Anonymous  on 12/09/2005 10:36 AM  

    Kinda off subject now, but I'd like to check out http://www.xxxchurch.com/ but if I do, I'm sure my Covenant Eyes report will start flashing red to accountability partners! Doh! lol

16.  Anonymous  on 12/09/2005 9:09 PM  

    Tim, I use covenant eyes, and if it comes up red, then give your partners the right to go look and see what it is. I love what the triple X guys are doing, and recommend it to the people I mentor on Settingcaptivesfree.com (although SCF hates XXX). I think that both programs are comparable, but I would bet that you will find some non-christians using triple X, which is a good thing.

17.  Anonymous  on 1/12/2006 12:29 AM  

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